Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Being adventurous

I don't need to chuck myself out of a plane, put on cramp-ons or travel half way around the world to be adventurous. I'm doing it every time I send a post circle letter, go to Cake club or make dinner for friends.

When I got depression I didn't know what has happening for a long time. I was scared of everything. I couldn't sleep properly. I had no faith in myself. The only emotions I seemed able to feel were anger and sob inducing pain.

My world had to become very small so I could cope. I hid. Leaving the house only when I had to and very rarely alone.

I thought I had a strong support network of friends. I'd worked on these friendships and believed these women would be there for me. As I had been for them. They weren't. Even in the midst of a black cloud that descended well before the perceived betrayal it stung. In stinging it got horribly tangled into the depression, it became part of it.

I am now in a happy, healthy place. Better able to cope with the bumps in the road. I've spend a lot of time and devoted a lot of energy to working through, soul searching, analysing and healing.

Like a lot of illnesses, depression does leave scars. Mine are on the inside. My social anxiety is new and I am learning to live around it. I refuse to listen when the scarred bits of myself tell me that there is no point cultivating friendships. That no matter what I give I'm not good enough to receive. I fight the urge to run from the crowded room. I pretend I'm confident because if I don't the tingling in my nose just might progress to tears. I always carry mints in my handbag incase I need to throw up before I arrive.

I'm stubborn and I refuse to let depression change me so fundamentally. I was confident and self assured and downright awesome before. I won't be feeling it on the inside so I'm going to act until I can forget I'm acting.


  1. I relate so much to what you write - especially about making the world as small as you can cope with. I have suffered several bouts of depression and anxiety and they are crippling. One of the hardest things I found was explaining to others, it was so hard for my husband to understand what I was going through. I'm well at the moment, armed with strategies to cope and at least I recognise the signs now so can call for help early. Hope you are feeling well now and continue to fight for your life!

    1. I couldn't find the words either - one of the hardest things as I've always been good at words. I found reading other people's experience helped me to be able to articulate it and in her newsletter section was a lifeline. I've since found and his is equally amazing on his.
      I used to print things out and leave them for g - it make it easier.

  2. I can connect with your words, so well written on a subject that is so hard to put into words - somedays everything is a challenge to fight against those thoughts You are awesome, just need to feel it again Glad I found this #BEDM xx