A boring business envelope

I love receiving mail. Today the postman brought something even better than a stickered and washi taped envelope from a #postcircle friend. Today's envelope was a white windowed DL. This boring business envelope was from the doctor.

It was about the mole that had changed. The one they prodded, photographed and pulled out with a piece of equipment they describe as an apple corer. The mole that was was waking me up in the middle of the night to spend dark and lonely hours trying to convince myself that everything was going to be alright.

Well it turns out that yes the mole was misbehaving but not in a cancerous way. 

The hole in my leg is as far as this adventure goes.

I can go to sleep tonight without a 3am panic. Well actually I'll probably find something else to have a 3am panic about but at least it won't be cancer.

Singing in the rain

I live in the West of Scotland. There are loads of benefits including friendly people, Glasgow shopping eating and outing, house prices that negate the selling soul to the devil deal. But one of my love to hate things about living here has to be the rain.

This morning at school run time it was biblical. If frogs had started bouncing off my umbrella I wouldn't have even raised an eyebrow. But I was cheery enough. Despite the logistical issues of carrying an umbrella, holding a dogs lead attached to the pulliest most disobedient dog ever and dragging a very dozy 8 year old to school without her walking through every puddle en route.

Cheery enough to merit the catty comment of one of the other school run Mums - there is no creature more evil to her contemporaries than a yummy mummy. Her ire appeared to have been provoked by my not entering a depressive state when seeing it was raining. As I squelched up the field with the dog it got me to thinking that I like rainy days. 

Despite smudge's firm belief, I am not the Wicked Witch of the West. I won't melt on contact with water. But just incase my daughter knows something I don't I do take some precautions.

Good wellies are absolute must. Especially if you intend to take full advantage of those puddles, I know I can't resist a splash. As I have the calves of an East German shot-put champion I am a big fan of the Hunter shorts. I got mine mega cheap in TK Maxx but would happily pay full price for them. They are comfy, strong and unless you decide to wade across a stream which is deeper than it looks very watertight.

I get bored carrying umbrellas but have yet to find a properly waterproof coat that I don't detest on sight. So in order to alleviate the boredom of carrying it there has to be an added benefit to my umbrella. This morning it was bright orange to counter the grey skies. I'd really like a rainbow one but until I can grow out of leaving them on buses, trains and in cafes I'm going to stick with my free ikea one!

But THE most important thing to remember to keep happy in the rain is to leave your eyeliner flicks and mascara for a drier day. Lets face it when your umbrella blows inside out and the stupid dog is feigning deafness again do you really want to look like this?

Healthy Living - Quitting Sugar

I mentioned in a previous post that I'm in the process of quitting sugar. Seeing that todays #BEDM prompt was Healthy Living it seemed a grand idea to give a bit of an update.

I FEEL AMAZING!!!!!

Getting here has been less that fun. Headaches, stomach cramps, killer drooth* and irritability. By irritability think of an insomniac, pmt-ing grizzly bear with a hangover and you still aren't close to what my poor husband has had to endure. Then all of a sudden I felt ok, actually not just ok, amazing.

I'm able to get out of bed in the morning without hitting snooze 7 times. I have more energy, I'm not actually doing anything with it but it's nice to have. My tummy has shrunk. I've lost 3lb. So I already look better. Of course that feeling has me standing up just a little bit straighter too. 

The odd thing is that my appetite has shrunk so that I'm having to remember to eat. Now being as that I have used this sentence to mock people horribly in the past I don't make this confession without feeling like a bit of a tit.

Last night when I shared a packet of maltesers with g I did it knowing what I was doing. Fully conscious that this was a treat. I'm not planning to never eat sugar again. I just don't want my entire day dominated by my need to work out where my next fix is coming from.

I even resisted lovely looking cake today. I wonder how long I'll remember that I like the way I feel more than I like cake?

*Drooth - a dry thirsty mouth - we Scots got all the best words!

Being adventurous

I don't need to chuck myself out of a plane, put on cramp-ons or travel half way around the world to be adventurous. I'm doing it every time I send a post circle letter, go to Cake club or make dinner for friends.

When I got depression I didn't know what has happening for a long time. I was scared of everything. I couldn't sleep properly. I had no faith in myself. The only emotions I seemed able to feel were anger and sob inducing pain.

My world had to become very small so I could cope. I hid. Leaving the house only when I had to and very rarely alone.

I thought I had a strong support network of friends. I'd worked on these friendships and believed these women would be there for me. As I had been for them. They weren't. Even in the midst of a black cloud that descended well before the perceived betrayal it stung. In stinging it got horribly tangled into the depression, it became part of it.

I am now in a happy, healthy place. Better able to cope with the bumps in the road. I've spend a lot of time and devoted a lot of energy to working through, soul searching, analysing and healing.

Like a lot of illnesses, depression does leave scars. Mine are on the inside. My social anxiety is new and I am learning to live around it. I refuse to listen when the scarred bits of myself tell me that there is no point cultivating friendships. That no matter what I give I'm not good enough to receive. I fight the urge to run from the crowded room. I pretend I'm confident because if I don't the tingling in my nose just might progress to tears. I always carry mints in my handbag incase I need to throw up before I arrive.

I'm stubborn and I refuse to let depression change me so fundamentally. I was confident and self assured and downright awesome before. I won't be feeling it on the inside so I'm going to act until I can forget I'm acting.

Power Dressing

I knew today was going to be tough. I knew I was going to need to be brave and kick ass powerful in a way that most people won't ever be able to understand.

Most of all I knew that today I needed to paint on a smile and just get on with it.

I did what any self respecting child of the 80's would do and power dressed. I'm proud to say that I left the shoulder pads in the fancy dress section of my wardrobe and stuck to my sane clothes.

I dressed to hide the pain and hurt. To pretend that some of the people who I love the best aren't the same that hurt me the most. To distract from the insensitivity. It didn't work. I still hurt. I cried a bit when I got home. I knew I would.

But I did it all better in gold stilettos, with eyeliner flicks and in a GAP dress that I picked up in the sale for £25. Baby shower chic!

A whole new world, well a whole new me at least

I've been keeping very busy the last couple of days. I need distractions. I've decided that enough is enough and that I need to stop ignoring it and do something about my sugar addiction.

I don't use the term addiction lightly. I am not being flippant or glib. I have a huge issue with needing sugar to get through the hour let alone the day. On top of this I binge and secret eat. Not healthy, not clever and not anymore.

So without any real planning I stopped yesterday. I'm on a big health kick, cutting out all sugary things, so my carb intake will hit the floor and I'll probably end up loosing a few pounds. But while fitting into some smaller clothes will be nice this isn't about what I'm going to loose. I'm focusing on all the energy I'll have when I stop using sugar as a crutch. How awesome I'm going to feel when I don't have to beat myself up every time I reach the bottom of a sharing bag on my own. 

There are loads of ways of looking at what I'm gaining. I might go and list them now and hope that it stops me craving cake!

Defining Features

I'm not a fashionista, glamour-puss or style icon. Most days I just about manage to pull myself together and some days I even manage presentable. But if I'm making the effort to get out of my jammies I'll be putting on some form of make up.

This is partially because if I don't smudge asks questions like:-

"Mummy, you look funny. Are you poorly?"or "Why do you look so tired?" On the worst days she sticks to clear statements such as the classic "Your eyes look weird."

In her defence, she probably does have trouble recognising me without a healthy dollop of liquid eyeliner. Eyeliner flicks have been my go to look for a wee while.  Heck for longer than smudge has been alive.

My weapon of choice is the Lancome Artliner. At around £16 a pot it's not cheap but the felt applicator is a dream to use and I do find that one of these lasts way longer than my second choice.

Max Factor's colour X-pert liner is around £7 a pot and has a similar style applicator. However I do feel like I get more flicks from 1 pot of Lancome than I do from 3 pots of Max Factor so I can justify the spendy purchase.  

I need to be standing up to apply it right. I have no idea why, I do most of my make-up and hair sitting down but this makes for wonky flicks. I also pull the strangest faces when I'm applying it, much to smudge's amusement.

I use pictures to experiment with new styles as my Pinterest board will testify and always have a good gentle eye-makeup remover on stand by. I have to say that the best tip I got is that your face isn't symmetrical so don't stress if your flicks don't match perfectly. It's also worth remembering that very few people are going to be inches from your face scrutinising your application. Unless of course you associate with lots of people who have issues respecting your personal space.