The unsent letter

Today we had a visit from Puff's Social Worker. It was a planned visit so the house was clean, tidy and staged to create the impression it looks like that all the time. She brought a letter with her. From birth mum for when Puff is older.

Having a tiny bit of self awareness made me realise I didn't want to read this with an audience. A good choice; it reduced me to tears in the first sentence. 

The sadness, regret and promises to never forget her beautiful wee girl are heartbreaking. Even more so when you take into account all the missed opportunities and choices I might find easy to label stupid.

It won't help birth mum to get a letter from me but it doesn't mean I don't want to write one. I just won't be passing it to a social worker to get to her. 

Dear ****

We share a daughter. The little girl you kept safe and warm for 9 months is right now tucked up safe and warm in her bedroom in my house.

The tragedy of circumstances that led us to be here does not escape me. Yet I am unable to look at this with anything other than unbridled joy. 

She will grow up always knowing that both her Mum's love her. She will know she grew in your tummy but you just couldn't look after her so social work found us. 

She is a much wanted daughter, sister, granddaughter and niece and will grow up surrounded by people who only want good things for her. She will know to count you as one of the people wishing her the world and sending her love. And in time she will be told of the incredibly brave decision you made in signing the paperwork.

I'll keep your letter safe and when the time is right will be there to help her understand the love that went into the writing of it.

Thank you.